Day One: Goals*
Nearly five years ago my longtime boyfriend broke up with me so that he could move to Mexico to start a new life in Baja, California. It wasn’t so maddening that he had ended things with me, after all, couples split up every day of the week. What really angered me was the fact that he had a dream, a really big dream, a dream he’d planned to implement for a long time but held close to his chest. He had been plotting his escape and kept me in the dark until the very last minute when he announced, “I am moving to Mexico, but you can come and visit”. To say that I was shocked and enraged would be an understatement. The door didn’t hit him on his way out.
That afternoon I remember sitting in a cafe feeling extremely stunned, rejected and sorry for myself. I was saying things like, “How could he do this to me? Who does he think he is? Who needs this”? You know, the basic vitriol one spews when one is feeling the pain of knifelike emotions from being “dumped” – it’s a jagged pill to swallow. But then it hit me! The words flew out of my mouth, literally while the thought was forming in my head…”I don’t need him, I can move to Italy now”. There it was: the truth. I’d been keeping my dream under wraps as well.
I couldn’t really see it clearly before because I was blinded inside a relationship with someone I cared for. After the sting of a bruised ego had subsided, I knew in my heart that we weren’t meant to be together. We wanted different lives on different continents. Suddenly there was no one to impede my dream, just like there was no one blocking his. He was on his way to La Paz, Mexico and I was on my way to Orvieto, Italy. I was free to direct my energies toward my goal and in that moment the project of living in Italy began in earnest with actions, not just with words.
Yesterday, five years later, I wrote him a letter thanking him for cutting the ties that kept both of us anchored in a place we no longer wanted to be. I know I’m slow, but I get there.
* During this entire month of November Bootsnall is inviting bloggers from around the world to participate in 30 Days of Indie Travel : a daily blogging effort to look back on our past travel experiences. Today’s chosen topic Goals
Photograph of Sign by Manuela Calvet, 2011
Orvieto or Bust: 
They say everything happens for a reason but sometimes the hurt is so bad and life is so hectic that the reason is hard to see. When the time is right for the reason to come to light, whether good or bad, it is such a freeing moment. Don’t let anything get between you and your beloved Italia Toni! Baci!
Denise…thank you for your sweet message. It was an epiphany that was a long time in coming. You are right – it feels good to forgive and let it go. Big hug and kiss. toni
You did exactly as you should have, that is follow YOUR dream!!! This is exactly what I did in my 20s through my 50s when I spent years in Italy. Now at the age of 70 I daily rejoice about those early decisions to follow MY dreams, it surely gave a really wonderful unique perspective on life and the universe that wouldn’t have been obtained if I hadn’t given in to the “irrational” impulse to live overseas. It is a wonderful thing to say to oneself “I REALLY DID IT!!!” (so wonderful!) In doing so life was enriched beyond measure. Happy journey!!!
Gian, Thank you for your words of encouragement. When the doubt creeps in and I think I could be making a big mistake, someone like you reminds me that life is meant for living….In your words, I am on a journey and no matter what happens, it will be an adventure. I don’t remember who said it, but the saying goes something like this….”You never regret the things you did, only the things you didn’t do.” …anyway, thank you for your supportive words of wisdom. Hugs. Toni
Ciao Toni,
I am in a very similar situation. I used to live in Sicily (Catania) for a year and a half. I am Italian through female ancestry (can’t get citizenship as far as I know), but ever since that day in 1987 when I returned to the US I have tried to get back there. Six years later I married a navy guy and we were supposed to return to Sicily, but the Navy had different last second plans, and changed the orders. Finally, this past July I was to spend 2 months in Positano and Florence where I was to get a TEFL teaching certificate so I could stay. Circumstances (like a divorce) changed my plans and I was only in Italy for 3 days. I am flying into Roma in 2.5 weeks for a few weeks, then I return next July for that TEFL class. I am bound and determined to get there and stay there for the rest of my life. It is so gut wrenching the roadblocks. At least one of the big ones (a negative US only thinker) is out of my way now.
I can’t wait to read the rest of your blog!
Ciao Isabella, Oh my gosh, it always astounds me that there are others who long for what I long for. Each day I get closer and closer to my goal. Don’t give up. I believe with all my heart that if you want it bad enough, you are going to have it!! I am ashamed to say that I have not been to Sicily yet – and ironically I am now a resident of Corleone (where my grandfather was born). I hope when I am spending more time in Umbria (I am hoping to stay 2 – 3 months at a time in the new year), I will head down to see if I can locate la mia famiglia there. BTW: Did you know they have TEFL course in the US and you can also take a course online? I did that when I was living in Italy in 2009. Remember: every thing you do brings you one step closer to your dream. In bocca al lupo! Toni
Ciao Toni,
Yes, I did know about the online and US TEFL classes. I want to take the one in Florence so I can try to find a teaching job while I’m there. I hope to come and not have to return to the US for anything except my dog. It’s funny the path that I am on, and right now I’m at a T in the road. One direction is completely right, and the other is completely wrong. I feel like I am so close to my dream, yet so far away from it at the same time. Soon, I believe, there is going to be a release in the “dam” and I will be on my way. OK, it’s been a tough day.
Have a good night!
Isabella, I can feel in your words the deep commitment to your plan so stick with it. Not that long ago I felt so desperate to get back – I felt that if I didn’t do it immediately that I would lose the connection, somehow. But as I learned, this place is waiting and is not going anywhere. When the time is right for you, will be on your way. I know it. Stai bene. Toni
Grazie Toni!
It’s interesting what you say, because I’ve never thought about it that way. Now I have something to ponder. But, on the surface, at least, I “feel” I am old (mid-40s) and time is running out due to my age. Since I can’t get citizenship via ancestry I have to get a job and I’m afraid if I wait too long I will look too old, and be unemployable. Or, is it because I need to run away from my life and the poor economics of my situation?
One question: Did you teach English there? If so, how was the job search?
Hi, No I didn’t teach (officially). Go to Craigslist, Italy, Florence and see if there are jobs posted there. Also, TEFL has some placement help. Google “teaching english in Italy” and see what comes up. There are Expat websites with a lot of information about it. About feeling like time is running out….I am 54!!! Just kill me now! I guess it is never too late, but I know how you feel. t
Toni — We’ve known each other for a long long time. In the background was always the enviable spirit of your ability to trust your own dreams – whether that was making a living as a painter, a caligrapher, an editor, a traveler, a blogger, and of course your turn at the hollywood dream. I certainly don’t have to mention it to you of all people but dreams and hope are above all else the “stuff” that makes life the beautiful journey that it is. Again another well written blog Toni. Even with the miles and political affiliations (lol) between us I’m always proud to call you my friend. What an amazing role model Andrew has/had in you. — CC
CC, Okay, now I am blushing….it’s really great to be in touch again (even if you are from the “other” party). Just read a little of your blog. Though I don’t know much about the business or finance…..loved this line: “If the unions were to again provide a value for their members besides puffing out their collective bargaining chests right before they begin drawing proverbial lines in the economic sands,…..”. And what????? You have a published novel?? Incredible. I am going right now to Amazon.com and check it out. Bravo, my friend. Toni
P.S. you lived in Paris??
Toni this is such a wonderful story. Finding the path to your own dream was only possible when he went to chase his. Our dreams will come true and maybe one day we’ll meet in Sicily (my mother in law is from the Aeolian Island of Salina). We took them back to Sicily and Calabria and even found the houses they were born in. Priceless!!
ciao and dream on…
lisa