Luke Joseph DeBella: 1917 – 2004
As the 10-year anniversary of my father’s passing comes and goes, I have been thinking a lot about him and of the legacy he left behind. To say that he was my role model and hero seems trite — everyone says that about their father (if they are fortunate enough to have a strong man in their life to lead them into adulthood as I did). A man of few words, I learned what was most important by watching him conduct himself throughout his life and in his 52-year love affair with my mother. It was in this manner that I witnessed the qualities I wanted to emulate for myself. If I could only become half the person that he was…
When my dad was a young man his nieces and nephews used to call him “Uncle Tootsy”. If you’d ever met this man you’d understand how ludicrous a moniker that was because my father’s reputation as a curmudgeon was legendary. He could come-off a little scary at first and often caused my friends at school to shiver in their boots. However, despite his well-executed “tough-guy” persona, once you got to know him you’d soon realized that his “schtick” was designed to hide one of the biggest and warmest hearts on the planet. Babies in particular adored my father – they were not fooled by his stern, gruff manner – they could see right through him into his soft, mushy center. My father had more friends than you could shake a stick at.
Dad was born at home in San Jose, California and raised in a house with 9 other siblings by Sicilian immigrant parents. Not formally educated past the 8th grade, he would religiously read the newspaper cover-to-cover every day and watch the news each evening. What my father lacked in academic knowledge he more than made up for in an uncanny intelligence for reading people.
At a young age my father learned his trade as a car mechanic and after returning from
Europe at the end of World War II, he began an automotive repair business, “Luke and Martin Service”, in an old converted barn behind my grandparents’ house. When I was a little girl, I never hesitated to take the opportunity to boast about him. If a kid bragged that his father was a brain surgeon, I would shoot back, “Well, MY dad is a mechanic”! He worked in that capacity until he was nearly 75 years old because, I believe, his regular customers refused to let him retire. A good, honest and trustworthy auto repairman is really hard to come by.
He wasn’t the kind of guy to show off or talk about himself. He avoided people who put on “airs” or thought they were superior to others. He valued honor and respected hard work and straight talk. When I was a teen, he once said to me, “Being rich doesn’t make you happy”. My response back was, “That’s just what poor people say to make themselves feel better”, and he just smiled. He was crazy about Westerns (especially John Wayne and Clint Eastwood), and was an avid outdoor sportsman. By far, his favorite activity was to fish in a boat on a lake with his buddies. He was so passionate about it that my family had the words “Gone Fishing” carved into his gravestone. The cheekiness of that gesture would not be lost on him.
I guess the bottom line is that my dad was the “strong, silent type”. Not very demonstrative – he wasn’t much for talking about his “feelings”. In all honesty, I don’t remember my father ever saying the words “I love you” to me, however, there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t feel loved and cared for by him. Some people ‘talk the talk’ but he actually ‘walked the walk’ and taught me one of the most important lessons of my life so far: “Love” isn’t a noun, it’s a verb. by Toni DeBella
Orvieto or Bust: 
My Dad died 4 years ago and I miss him just like you miss your father. I think we are lucky to have had wonderful fathers.
Debra, Yes, the luckiest girls, because a lot of people weren’t so fortunate. A happy childhood the best gift a parent can give their children. Happy Holidays and see you in Italia. Hugs. Toni
I want to came with you ..to found your family!!!
Vale, Si, si…tu Parli “Siciliana?” Andiamo per un viaggio a Corleone in primavera…tu, io e una pistola. Interessante…abbraccio
What a lovely tribute! Just the other day I asked my husband a question that he didn’t know the answer to. I replied ‘my Dad would know the answer, he knew everything!’
Denise. As much as it is a tribute to my dad, it’s really a homage to all great dads in the world. There is nothing like it and happy to hear your were a “Daddy’s LIttle Girl” as well. Hugs. t
My Dad also died just before Christmas when I was four so I have no memories of him. My father in law sounds a bit like your Dad, gruff Italian with a twinkling eye…a beautiful tribute to a wonderful man, well done!
ciao lisa
Oh Lisa, I am sorry to hear that you lost your dad so early in your life but like I told you earlier, you are lucky to have found a man that is a great father to your children….you are paying it forward! Maybe your wonderful father-in-law can fill that space a little bit. I am sure he loves you like a daughter. Buon Natale to you and your adorable family. Hugs. t
Lisa
I tried and failed to leave a comment by blackberry yesterday. You struck such a chord with that wonderful post about your father, I grew up with an alpha male grizzly bear with a huge heart, he died nine years ago and hardly a day goes by when I don’t miss his intelligent, practical help with almost anything, my husband has many good points but boy do any other males go severely lacking compared to daddy!…I am quite sure this is a huge issue for many other daddy’s girls, but we are blessed to have grown up with the heat of their love and in my case insight,
Happy Christmas Bella, would love to meet up someday in Italy, if you are in Venice,
Lulu
Lulu, So good to hear from you and hope you are well. Just one more thing we have in common…strong males that all the other men in the world have to try to live up to! Ha! Do you find yourself, especially since your dad was so insightful, thinking things like “you know what Daddy would have said..”? My mom and I play that game when we are together and it makes us feel closer to him. My mother says she feels him with her all the time. I believe a person with a presence will live on in our memory and hearts. Buon Natale and Auguri in the New Year. I would love to come to Venice again in the near future…it is such an amazing place and I can imagine how especially beautiful it is at Holiday time. Big Hug. Toni
Thanks, your tribute was a lovely Christmas present. My Dad was also born in 1917 of Italian immigrants to the US. While he couldn’t tell a bolt from a nut, he was a lot like your Father in his attitudes toward life and friends and family. It’s something ineffably Italian that’s passed along; a respect, a civility, a dignity. Saluti, Mike
Mike, Thanks for writing and letting me know what a great dad you had too! Sadly, as I’ve learned over the years, not everyone was as lucky as we were! I agree – the definition of a real man is one who loves and cares for his family – putting them first. As you know, family is everything to Italians and I am happy to have been born into a big, crazy one. Buon Natale to you and your family. toni
Loved reading this, Toni! Your dad sounded like a very special person. We are blessed to have had fathers we adored and still do. If you want to meet me at CIBO this Thursday at 9AM, let me know. I’ll be biking by there. Best,
Carol
Carol, thank you so much for reading and its warming to hear that so many people had great dads like we did. I couldn’t meet you today (sorry for the late response)…you know, crazy Xmas week…maybe next week. Give Michael a hug for me and Buone Festa!! toni
I had the priviledge of having a strong, silent father to adore. He has been gone 10 years and I miss him everyday. There needs to be more like them.
Caroline, I agree with you…we were very lucky girls. Happy Holidays!!! Toni
A beautiful read on Father’s Day. Thank you! 🙂
Reblogged this on Orvieto or Bust: and commented:
Every year, I repost this for my great Dad that I miss every single day.
Thank you Toni. Well said.
Hi Toni! Oh, how I loved reading this post about your dad. In my mind, I can hear him say, “where do you girls think you’re going?” as we walked passed him toward the door. It scared the @#$% out of me every time! Love, Cindy
Hi Cindy!!!! OMG! It’s so good to hear from you! Yes, I know my Dad was scary, but he was only doing it for effect – and so no one would know he was such a pushover. Anyway, hope you are doing well and are happy and healthy. I know we’ve been worlds-away for one another since our 20s, but you were my best friend from childhood through our teens and practically every memory I have includes you! big hugs. t
Toni: wonderful and very personal story about your father. I agree that the best thing parents can give their children is a happy childhood. Sounds like you had a great one–as we’ve tried to give to our four children. Sorry you can’t make it to our 40th in August–you will be missed!
Dan Joyce/San Jose
Hi Dan, Thank you so, so much for saying that. Four children! How impressive – I just have one, but I think he’s turned out pretty terrific. Sorry to miss the festivities but I won’t be making it back to California until November. Have a great time and please tell everyone I said hi! xxo
toni